I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
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I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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