The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
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All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
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A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I am one with the molecules
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