Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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