whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
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Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
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you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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