I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
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I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
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I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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