But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
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Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
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You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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