Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Operation Purity has been aborted
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My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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