i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
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bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
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One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
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