I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
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You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
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Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
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