I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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