some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
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Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
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His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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