you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
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I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
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Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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