You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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