I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
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They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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