now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
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