There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
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he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
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