drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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