covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
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He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
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Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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