Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
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I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
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On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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