and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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