don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
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laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
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Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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