I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
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I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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