I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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