Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
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He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
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