just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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