i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
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Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
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The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
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