Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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