Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
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Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
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PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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