Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize