Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
She even gives head with a lisp.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
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We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
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I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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