There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
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WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
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I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
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