I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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