when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
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