I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
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He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
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I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
there is glitter all over my balls
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