I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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