I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize