o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
