I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
