Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
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Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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