the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
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i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
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Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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