The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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