They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
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I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
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At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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