I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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