the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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