There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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