i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
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She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
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You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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