how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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