if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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