drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
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There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
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that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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