you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
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dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
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i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
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